3 November 2010

The last 8 months of life have been grueling. Leaving the details out, I'll just say that the enormous amount of stress, life changes and tragedies have left me running for the second helpings. We all cope somehow and I choose food and moving as little as possible. I wish so badly I was one of those people who coped by spin class and a good salad. Heck, I'd settle for a walk after dinner and journaling, but I'm hopelessly stuck in the cycle of status quo.

My spiritual, emotional and psychological self is suffering a great deal too. I feel jaded, spiritually tired, spent and I know these all tie together. I don't exactly know how, but I'm hoping for God to revive what is dormant and bring me life again. I'm shocked how much I resemble my father, both physically and inwardly. As I get older, I see myself morphing slowly into him and that is a scary thought. Someone took a picture of me last week and when I saw the picture posted online, I was taken back by how much I resembled him (granted, the picture was taken while my head was upside down, but still).

I'm not 18 anymore. When I was 18, I thought that 190 pounds meant that I was overweight and unattractive. I'm 20 pounds away from being 100 pounds heavier! I would like a change deep within and I'm not exactly sure how to bring about this physical renewal that I know I need... For the most part, I just slowly get bigger and less energetic and I'm frightened by what I may be in 20 years. 300? Dead? Partially paralyzed? I don't want my wife or future kids to have to experience that...

peace for now...

update.

I have gained back every last pound that I have lost.

And then some.

*shrug*

:o)

Day 86

i've totally flopped...

i've still lost weight, but i've gone a bit insane over the last week with eating. i think now that i'm below the two-twenty pound mark i've gone a bit eating nuts. yesterday was the fund-raiser and there was so much food to be eaten. i didn't make the right choices. what's worse is that my birthday is thursday and i've asked my friends to throw me a surprise birthday party.


this picture is from saturday night. i was going to have ONE soy-cream sandwich (similar to ice-cream sandwiches, only the size of a quarter and made from soy.) My mom took one bite and decided to throw hers out. instead, i took a hit for the team and had two (they were only one hundred calories each.)

oui.

Day 40

I'm psyched about the progress I've seen. I'm now in jeans that were WAY too tight for me this fall and wore jeans yesterday that I couldn't even zip, much less button not too long ago. In fact, the jeans I wore yesterday were only zippable after two months in Africa last summer. HA!

Admittedly, I need to spice up my videos in the future. I'm only 40% done with my challenge and already I'm a snooze on the videos. I thought that maybe I'll record my next video while I'm doing a cardiac resuscitation at work. Then I'll get my cardio and video all at once!

Day 33

Woo-Hoo! I've lost 12 pounds since December 14th. To celebrate this evening, I had a Publix sub, veggie chips, and some Kashi granola. If you told me a few months I was going to have a celebratory meal consisting of this, I would have choked on my cheeseburger.

i fight against racism in this weight loss blog.

And, my zit is HUGE. Why try and hide it?