3 November 2010

The last 8 months of life have been grueling. Leaving the details out, I'll just say that the enormous amount of stress, life changes and tragedies have left me running for the second helpings. We all cope somehow and I choose food and moving as little as possible. I wish so badly I was one of those people who coped by spin class and a good salad. Heck, I'd settle for a walk after dinner and journaling, but I'm hopelessly stuck in the cycle of status quo.

My spiritual, emotional and psychological self is suffering a great deal too. I feel jaded, spiritually tired, spent and I know these all tie together. I don't exactly know how, but I'm hoping for God to revive what is dormant and bring me life again. I'm shocked how much I resemble my father, both physically and inwardly. As I get older, I see myself morphing slowly into him and that is a scary thought. Someone took a picture of me last week and when I saw the picture posted online, I was taken back by how much I resembled him (granted, the picture was taken while my head was upside down, but still).

I'm not 18 anymore. When I was 18, I thought that 190 pounds meant that I was overweight and unattractive. I'm 20 pounds away from being 100 pounds heavier! I would like a change deep within and I'm not exactly sure how to bring about this physical renewal that I know I need... For the most part, I just slowly get bigger and less energetic and I'm frightened by what I may be in 20 years. 300? Dead? Partially paralyzed? I don't want my wife or future kids to have to experience that...

peace for now...